52 Films by Women Vol 4. 2. NATIVITY ROCKS! (Director: Debbie Isitt)
In the past, I have complained that female directors have
never got to make sequels to their commercial successes. Catherine Hardwicke
was removed from the Twilight series while Sam Taylor-Johnson was replaced by James Foley for
the follow-ups to 50 Shades of Grey. One
writer-director who has proved the exception is Britain’s Debbie Isitt, who has
helmed four films in the Nativity series.
Now, I know what you’re thinking: just how many times can I
watch the baby Jesus being born? It’s not that nativity, exactly. All four
films, Nativity (2009), Nativity 2: Danger in the Manger (2012),
Nativity
3: Dude, Where’s My Donkey (2014) and now Nativity Rocks! (2018) –
subtitle ‘This Ain’t No Silent Night’ (I hate double negatives) – are set in St
Bernadette’s Primary School in Coventry, where the new teacher is tasked with
putting on the nativity play, which is important for spurious and frankly irrelevant
reasons.
Isitt casts well-known television actors in the leading
roles - alumni include Martin Freeman, David Tennant and Martin Clunes. Kids
show off on camera. The male and female lead get together and there is a big, potentially
tear-jerking finale.
The star of the series is Marc Wootton as man-child Mr
Poppy, who appeared in the first three films. He was the excitable side kick
who behaved like a child and didn’t like having his fun spoilt. However,
Wootton was busy with his television series High & Dry (imdb
user review ‘don’t bother with this c-p’). So Isitt was forced to look for a
replacement.
Enter Simon Lipkin. He played the chief elf in Nativity
3: Dude, Where’s My Donkey. I am willing to wager that no one has
noticed that he has been re-cast or, if you prefer, promoted. He plays Mr
Poppy’s long lost brother, Jerry, who goes in search of his sibling to find
that he has gone to Australia. For spurious and frankly irrelevant reasons,
Jerry, who starts crying on the headmistress’ shoulder, is hired to prepare St
Bernadette’s pupils for an audition to appear in a Christmas show designed to
showcase Coventry as the Christmas town of the year.
In reality, the televised show would be cancelled to allow
for a live leaders debate about Brexit. But this isn’t reality. This is Nativity
... 4.
Our teacher is Mr Johnson (Daniel Boys), a character so
unmemorable that it took me four internet searches to fact-check his name. I’m
sure he took his charisma on holiday with him and left it there. (‘What do you
mean it’s not covered by insurance?) At the beginning, we see him talking to
children in a variation on ‘Children say the Funniest Things’. I can’t recall
exactly what he said but I think it was something like:
‘Timmy, what do you want for Christmas?’
‘For you to stop calling me Timmy - my name is Jake.’
‘Jake, do you want Santa to bring something nice from the
North Pole?’
‘No. I want him to stop melting the polar ice caps with all
that toy manufacturing.’
‘I’m sure that Santa is carbon neutral.’
‘How can he be – he voted for Brexit.’
Surely they can’t sully a feel-good family film with talk of
Britain leaving the European Union. But, boys and girls, they can. The main
plot involves illegal migrants, father and son trying to get to the UK in a
dinghy. Apparently, they come from Romania, which is still part of the European
Union, but in this semi-improvised film they come from Syria. If Isitt can
conflate Syria and Romania, it must be entirely true that those up North didn’t
understand the 2016 In-Out Referendum. Of course, they know what they voted for
– to take back control of their laws, their borders and their money. However,
the EU is not responsible for the British gig economy, the inability of young
people to get a mortgage and an uncontrolled rental sector, not to mention
benefit sanctions and people in paid employment requiring food banks. Folk in
Brussels didn’t do that, it were the government.
Back to the movie: young Doru (Brian Bartle) hides in the
back of a truck after his father (Ramin Karimloo) is arrested. He ends up being
collected by social services in the form of Miss Shelly (Helen George), who
cannot drive properly. She places Doru in the care of a foster mum (Meera Syal)
who looks after a whole bunch of young people and is ever so friendly – in
reality she would be doing it to inflate her Universal Credit and then send the
kids out begging. Doru is invited to join St Bernadette’s and attracts the
attention of Mr Poppy. He comes up with the absolutely full-proof plan of
getting Doru to take part in the aforementioned televised show. Only Coventry’s
entry is directed, conceived and cultivated by the personality Emmanuel
Cavendish (Craig Revel Horwood, better known as one of the judges on Strictly Come Dancing, the UK version of
Dancing With The Stars).
Poppy’s plans depend on Doru being cast. But Mr Poppy, who
has also adopted a dog, hasn’t got a place to stay. Mr Johnson offers him his
spare room, but he can’t take the dog, he’s allergic. Mr Poppy doesn’t believe
in allergies – I suspect he likes stories to say what they mean. (Allergies, allegories
– reader, I’m trying.) Anyway, there is some disruptive dog fun for those
people who didn’t see Patrick, which
I suspect is quite a lot.
The showcase revolves around the staging of a rock opera.
What’s a rock opera? Well there’s rock (pause), then there’s opera. (This is
Isitt’s joke, not mine.) Anyway, Mr Poppy turns into Jack Black from School of Rock, complete with pinky
finger gestures and sticking out his tongue, though not ‘read between the
lines, sister, read between the lines.’ (I’m amazed I still remember that after
fifteen years.) The rehearsal songs
revolve about rock standards, though not to my disappointment, ‘We’ve got to
get out of this place/If it’s last thing I ever do’ which would surely make it
a Brexit musical.
Emmanuel comes with a one man entourage and no interest in
the local talent. He is intent on taking every part for himself. Doru and Mr
Poppy are told to leave and they befriend a boy from a rival school. Barnaby
(Rupert Turnbull) lives in a big old house and has a nanny, driver and extra
pillows. In a bizarre plot development, Doru and Mr Poppy move into Barnaby’s
room and get Barnaby to ask for three milkshakes. Barnaby’s parents (Hugh
Dennis, Anna Chancellor) don’t even see the pair when they leave, even when Mr
Poppy kisses Barnaby’s mother on the cheek over breakfast.
Barnaby teaches his parents the true meaning of Christmas
after Mr Poppy fills the house with decorations. His father decides not to go
away for business – trading with an EU country, can’t be that important. His
mother opens up a soup kitchen and lets the homeless use the spare bedrooms.
Doru’s father meanwhile searches for his son and is helped by a friendly farmer
(Ruth Jones), a.k.a. ‘stick lady’, who likes a bit of music herself.
Jessica Hynes appears as a singer who makes a claim for one
of the parts and the big climax is the televised show featuring original songs
by Nicky Agar (Isitt’s husband).
Of the four Nativity films, this is proving to be the least financially successful.
This can’t just be put down to the absence of Wootton, rather to the over
familiarity with the concept and the high-cost of a family ticket to the
movies. The North of England – Brexit Central – hasn’t taken kindly to the
‘immigrants welcome’ message and Isitt doesn’t give the kids much to do. They
have been crowded out by adults taking their business, which is actually what
the villain threatens to do.
Isitt’s intention is to re-state the true meaning of Christmas,
which as we all know is a whole load of adverts and gut-ache. She may have
discovered a star in Lipkin, who is so aggressively childish you want to deny
him his tea. Her second intention is to turn Coventry into a tourist
destination. I understand the city has its own transport museum, but that’s
only because the bus company can’t afford to renew its fleet. Coventry’s local
heroine is Lady Godiva, who rode naked on back of t’horse, only because she
couldn’t buy clothing after her Universal Credit was assessed. But it is also
home to Sgt Bilko’s Vintage
Emporium, which I think consists of one bloke selling his collection
without using eBay. It’s amazing what you learn researching a film review.
Reviewed at Cineworld
West India Quay, Screen Three, Saturday 24 November 2018, 17:20 showing
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